Quote of the Day

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. - Jack London

LOVE AND LUNACY

Just returned from Italy, a crazy country that I love, but one which is full of frustrations, especially if you are trying, as I am, to build a house there with not enough time or money. It's a stop and start project and although progress has been dramatic since my last trip, the trail back to the beginning is a long one. In a rare gesture of practicality I met with three realtors in order to assess the current value of the property, just in case I want - or need - to sell it, and also to get some sense of what it's added to my net worth. The first realtor gave me a huge number, which I immediately dismissed as fiction designed to obtain the listing. But, admittedly, the numbers were swirling in my head - what I paid for the property, remaining mortgage and loan payments, commissions and of course, net profit. It all sounded so easy and so neat. The other realtors had other opinions, but in the end, it appears that after all is said and I done I could make a tidy profit and put a nice down payment on something closer to home, something that I could use, say, every weekend. I was ready to declare myself the Donald Trump of Umbria, buying and selling for a profit, congratulating myself on a savvy investment. Reality isn't often that simple, though. On the last day, I spent two hours at the house, taking photographs, measuring and laying out furniture schemes, breaking overgrown branches with my hands and cutting them off with a little scissors I brought from home just for that purpose - I was ripping at those things like Scarlett O'Hara tearing up the land at Tara. I'm sure I looked crazed. Perched on the newly created terrazzo overlooking the stupendous view, I said to myself, very Scarlett-like, "Shit, I can't sell this thing!" Thus are momentous decisions are made by quixotics. Sure, I can change my mind later, but for now I am back trying to earn more money so I can put in the windows and doors, which have been ordered but not paid for. And then there's the furniture....but I'm just putting one step in front of the other and walking....slowly.

Car 54 Where are You?

So...yesterday morning I dialed 911 (ok, I admit it was to find the address of my precinct, NOT an emergency...but they didn't know that!) and I GOT A RECORDING. HELLOOOOOOOOO...aren't they supposed to be the guys who jump on white horse/cars and rescue us in a minute. Rescue in minute! How is that possible if you get a 6 second recording?? I had to go file a police report for Grand Larceny to further prove the value, size etc. that was stolen from my bank account. But sitting in the police office for an hour is quite a trip...if you've never done it. First of all-- they need a bit of an upgrade. Not just on their dowdy uniforms (just kidding) BUT...my two biggest observations were these: Number 1-- They had two guys in the office trying to figure out what VIRUS they had on their computers. I asked if they had virus software and they didn't know. HELLO...you're a police station. If someone steals your information we are all screwed. Number 2-- They had a 'block' on on line games. Okay...the funny thing about that is this. The SCAM front is AN ON LINE GAME. So the detectives have to leave to figure it out. They are concerned some of the guys will abuse their game priviledges. Go figure!
Just wonder sometimes who makes the really big decisions out there. Hopefully...this is the end of my scam reporting live from Musings from the Matress.

Rage and Sadness and Bears, oh my...

What a lousy heading, no? But...I have been wandering between those first two powerful emotions for about two weeks now. First -- sadness around loss and THEN this past week I found myself raging at some poor sap in India who happened to answer my call (a fraud unit in India??) when I found out my entire checking account had been zapped by a new scam --- making micro debit withdrawals in miniscule amounts until there is nothing left. Citibank had actually allowed this scam to zap $4,000 OVER and above the amount in my checking account. Not only had Blizzard.com (the fraud front) made over 1,000 debits of $19.92,$19,99, 22.49 etc ...but Citibank had not blocked it until I went in to make my debit!!! A new scam which quietly eats away at your account until the final 3 days when they go in for the whole thing. Here's the thing...NOW when I'm not in rage or sadness...I'll need to be in hawk paranoia state to make sure that my identity or credit or dog aren't stolen by some mystery ick people who prey on those of us that aren't super watchful. So here's the moral of the story...Check your backs. Check your bank accounts. And....when that's all good...Check your mood. There is way worse stuff that can happen, so celebrate the days when you're feeling great, your kid is cuddly, your dog is happy, your family and friends are healthy and your pockets are full. You never know what's around the corner...so gratitude for a day that's good, great, without drama...is a day to celebrate. That's my only way out of the rage and sadness, no?

Where we find our Energy...

Yesterday I had lunch with a woman who runs her own business, has two young children and co-manages her household with her darling husband. I told her she should write a book on being an entrepreneur. She said...yeah...The Exhausted Entrepreneur. It made me think of all the different ways we get TIRED. And then...the good tired vs. the ick tired vs the depressed tired. Lately I've been in this transition mode of moving from Corporate life to the 'pre-entrepreneur' stage -- testing whether I'm ripe to 'do it on my own'. I keep wondering if I have the passion and energy for all my ideas...and if I'm tired now will I be really, really tired when I'm putting all my ideas into motion. I guess the answer is YES...you will be tired. BUT -- the feeling of being engaged in what you really, really care about is a GOOD tired. It's a full tired vs. the empty tired you feel when you're in transition or dealing with loss or just plain tired of what you are doing (bored!). Moving forward in a direction that is of your choosing is energizing...even if it is exhausting. So, I say to my friend and sister in law...the Exhausted Entrepreneur...it's darn good to be loving what you are doing so YES, you should tell your story!

On Losing Someone you Love

I realize that one of the 'things' that happen as we get older is that we seem to confront loss much more frequently. Yesterday, one conversation revolved around a discussion with a friend who said he'd lost 4 friends in their 50's to 4 different types of Cancer. So Sad. Another conversation was about a man who just lost his 49 yr. old wife to Breast Cancer last November. Also Sad beyond imagination. My question is this...how do we go through great pain and come back to the place where we are happy and courageous and can move through the pain with dignity and grace, honoring those we lose. I hear about all these losses, and I think...I can surely move quickly past my own pain at losing my beloved cat, Simba, who passed away yesterday. Do I blame the bad Doctor who made two crucial errors last month? Do I blame myself for being in LA when he got sick again? Do we need to blame anyone? Does that give more comfort or more pain? We always go through that what if stage...what if i was home? What if I had chosen a more exerienced specialist? And...then...you never know. You only know that you are sad...and smarter for next time. Between meetings I'd sneak up to my room and do a mix of meditating and crying and then get back out there. Now... I know that losing a pet is not like losing a spouse, a child etc. But I do wonder how people deal with loss-- how they move through the day when they are feeling heavy with pain. If we want to connect more deeply, our mourning will be more deep as well. This is the unfortunate result of loving deeply. Do you have thoughts on this?

Circling the Issues

I used to be fairly indiscriminating when it came to those nearest and dearest. Meaning, everyone was my "best" friend, "good" friend, "close" friend. And every problem that needed attention, be it from my friends of my family or my co-workers, was a problem I needed to help solve. Needless to say, it was a drain on my energy and I lost focus on myself for a good long time. Until I met Lesley Lupo at Canyon Ranch.

According to the Canyon Ranch brochure, Lesley is available to read your Tarot cards. After day 3 you're looking for an activity that doesn't involve 6 AM or pounding music or beading classes, so I signed up.

I don't remember what I expected, but this was not the East Village storefront experience. Lesley was very warm and friendly and surprising. We got through the main event...you'll be happy to know that my life is pretty much on track as she laid it out...and then we started talking about specific issues that came up in the reading. Specifically, my perceived role as "caretaker to the world", and how that role is stunting my personal growth. She gave me a tool that has been tremendously useful.

I drew a circle, which represented me. And around it, a series of concentric circles. Four or five of them. Then she asked me to make a list of the people in my life. And then to place those people on the circles, with the truly nearest and dearest in the closest circle, and moving the rest out to the other circles based on a variety of factors. My factors included things like needy, inspirational and entertaining. It sounds like a simple thing, but it helped me align my priorities with my goals and to surround myself with people who could help me reach those goals in a very visual way.

Give it a try. I bet you'll surprise yourself!

Quote of the Day

I saw this quote and thought, whatever the application, it was relevant for this blog...

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.

Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)